From Left Field

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By The Staff

Dear deer

As you may have guessed by now, I’m not much, if anything, of a hunter. I’ve had a few fishing experiences, but that doesn’t really count as “hunting.” Not long after I graduated high school, a neighboring buddy and I decided to build a small shack out in the woods. We worked for a couple months, cutting down trees with axes and constructing what turned out to be a pretty stable shelter. It was all in preparation to do some hunting later that year, and I never once thought about why I was putting in all of this hard work if I had never shot a gun at an animal in my life.

After we completed most of the shack, my dad let me borrow his shotgun for a weekend. My friend Jeff and I trekked out into the woods and we found a lot of tracks and a few apples nearby that had been nibbled on. And though we never caught sight of a deer that weekend, I wondered if I would be able to pop off a shot if I needed to.

I guess I was a late bloomer, having picked up a shotgun for the first time at age 18. I quickly realized that hunting wasn’t for me, because I’ve never handled a gun since.

That’s not to say that I’ve never come close to killing a deer. In fact, I’ve had several run-ins with them late at night on some of the rural backroads in Kentucky. It doesn’t matter if the calendar says it’s gun or bow season, it always seems to be Chevy season on the roadways.

If I did manage to clip a trophy deer, would I fess up to the method of the kill? Would I be tempted to include my prize in the weekly “dead deer pictures” we include here in the paper? Maybe I should mount a scope to the hood of my minivan! Nah, that’s not very sporting of me. I would at least like to give them a fighting chance. Maybe if they could ride around in golf carts, that would even the odds a little. But then again, they are tough critters because I’ve seen the damage one can do to a motor vehicle.

Maybe my car insurance should include a hunting permit if I’m out late at night and in search for some fresh venison. But would the headlights on the van mean that I was engaging in “spotlighting?”

Can I eat the meat of a dead deer that’s been hit by my van? Is there a social stigma on people who eat roadkill?

My mind swirls with the possibilities. Now you know what I really did on the two weeks off after my stroke. I think too much.

Maybe I should just stick with dropping a couple of quarters into the “Big Buck Hunter” video game at Pizza Hut!

I’ll have a large pepperoni and roadkill please, hold the anchovies. Oh, deer!