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Our man in Washington

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By Ken Begley

The campaign bus from Crazyville came to town the other day and my congressman, Representative Muck Flim-Flam Schmuck, Jr., got off.

I’m proud to say that I voted for Schmuck when he first ran for congress.

Everybody says we’re lucky to have that Schmuck up in congress watching out for our interest. He’s the finest politician that money can buy, and believe me, I understand that lobbyists are buying all they can.

Representative Schmuck comes from a long line of proud Schmucks. Yes sir, his daddy was Judge Schmuck, his granddaddy was Senator Schmuck, his great granddaddy was just a Schmuck and so on and so forth.

Everybody knows him wherever he goes. You can hear them call out “Look, there goes that Schmuck.”

Anyway, I ran into him as he got off his campaign bus the other day and he said, “Hello there young man.  Schmuck’s the name and politics are the game. I just came down to visit the ‘little people’ like yourself and let you know that I’m fighting for your rights at our nation’s capital. That is I’m fighting for your rights if you will give me money for my next election. So now if you‘d put a hundred dollars in my right pocket I‘ll see what I can do for you.”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute, Congressman Schmuck. You mean I’ve got to give you money before you’ll look out for my well-being?!?!?” I thought that was part of your job as an elected civil servant.”

“No need to be formal young man. All my friends call me Flim. But back to the original question. Surely you jest. You don’t expect me to live in my mansion and drive around in my big campaign bus on my salary of $174,000 a year plus benefits do you? Why good lord young man, I’m practically on food stamps at that amount. You don’t expect me to live like the ‘little people’ do you? How embarrassing that would be for you real ‘little people“. You’d have no one to look up to such as a Schmuck like me.  How awful.”

“You’re right Flim.  I sure would hate to have someone of the people representing me. By the way, if I should give you a hundred dollars what would that get me?”

“You’d get a hardy handshake and for fifty dollars more a warm pat on the back.”

“That’s it?!?”

“Pretty much but first I need to put on my rubber gloves. You never know what filth you might pick up from the ‘little people’ such as yourself.  Now where is that $200 . Time is money young man.”

“$200? I thought it was $150.”

“Don’t argue with me. Now slip that $300 in my pocket. I don’t want to touch it so I can deny we ever met later.”

“How much would it cost me to get something really good.”

“There you are young man. Now we’re talking politics. You know what politics are? It’s getting something that everyone else doesn’t get and you don’t deserve on your own merits just because of who you know and you know me if you give me enough money. Now for a million or two or a cushy job for my wife or kids that pays well, but they don’t have to do anything, I might be able to arrange something shall we say more ‘substantial’.”

“I don’t have a million or two and I’m all out of cushy jobs.”

“Then let’s stick to the $400 and I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t waste anymore of my time “little person”.

“Wait a minute. You know what? You look even more familiar now that I’ve seen you up close.  Don’t you run ads on television?”

“You have a keen eye young man. I’m always on television advertising my services in that noblest of noble careers. I am a professional liar, I mean lawyer. My slogans are ‘I’ll sue those folks to your last dollar.’ and ‘I’ll get you the best justice that money can buy’. But that’s not all young man. 

Perhaps you’ve seen my diet books. It’s called “Fiber Is Your Friend” and later “Poop Yourself Thin With Your Good Buddy Flim.”

“You write diet books Congressman Schmuck?”

“That’s how I got in Congress. I told the ‘little people’ that I would thin down the government using the same techniques I did in my diet books.”

“I hope you mean telling the principles of eating less and exercising more.”

“Son, don’t do that! You’re making me laugh so hard I might have a heart attack, or worse, drop some of my campaign money. That would require discipline. It would indicate if I was elected I would lower benefits and raise taxes on all Americans which also requires discipline. Shoot, neither the Tea Party or the Liberals would want to hear that. I plan on using the same sound principles from my diet books.”

“What’s that?”

“I’ll shake the magic cat bones over their heads and have them drink Schmuck’s Best Miracle Elixir.”

“What’s in the miracle elixir?”

“90% alcohol and 10% water.”

“That will help you lose weight?”

“No, but you don’t care anymore and people seldom come back to complain.”

So for a mere $600 campaign contribution he shook the magic cat bones over my head and gave me a month’s supply of  Schmuck’s Best. Then he headed back to Washington.

All I could think as the bus receded into the sunset was, “There goes one heck of a Schmuck.”

Our man in Washington.

God help us.

Cause that Schmuck won’t.