Weddings and marriage

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By Ken Begley

“When you’re married you should never go to bed mad -- stay up and fight.”

- Phyllis Diller

June is traditionally the month for marriages.  This ain’t June, but I’m so tired of freezing my . . .  hands off in the cold weather that all I do is think about June.  Global warming, my Aunt Franny!  What a gullible bunch of people we are.  I’m cold!  

Anyway, I love big weddings.  

Nothing else compares to the family get-together, the free food, the formality of the occasion, the free food, the beauty of the ceremony, or the free food.  Also, did I mention the free food?  

But let’s face it,  it’s the long walk through life later that gets the biggest laughs.  

Take the time my sister tried to poison her husband, twice!  She still denies this with a snicker, but no one else is laughing.

Women are tricky.  Let this be a lesson to all you future grooms getting ready to take the big leap.  Constantly be on your guard after the wedding for the next 40 or 50 years.

The first attempted poisoning happened on Valentines Day several years ago.  

I’ve got three sisters who live close to each other in Louisville.  They frequently visit each other during the week.  One brother-in-law used to work at a warehouse for a chain of convenient food stores.  The company would give the employees all the things that were close to expiring.  The only thing my brother-in-law would take was candy.  Their house was filled with mountains and mountains of candy.  By the way, did you ever hear of candy going bad?  What a ridiculous notion.

My other sister came over on a Valentine’s Day and noticed a huge chocolate heart showing through the clear plastic wrap of its container amongst all the candy.  It looked goooood!  She looked over and said,  “Do you mind if I take that big heart?”  My other sister replied “No, why do you want it?”  She promptly told her that she knew her husband Bernie had not bought her anything.  She hadn’t bought him anything either, but that didn’t seem to have registered in her mind.  She wanted to use that heart to make him feel guilty, thereby getting something bigger out of him at a later date.

Let’s stop here for a second.  Do all you women think like that?  Just curious, as I think I’ve been played like a hand puppet a few times myself.

She took the heart home and lurked around the house, waiting for the unsuspecting Bernie to come home from work.  She gave the heart to her two little daughters, and they all waited by the door, trying to create one of those “Precious Moments” scenes.

Unsuspecting Bernie opened the door where he was promptly ambushed by this “loving” group.  His face went red as he opened the enormous chocolate heart while saying, “You shouldn’t have!”  My sister said, “What did you get for us?”  My brother-in-law had a sudden case of deafness and kept saying “You shouldn’t have!” while breaking off a piece of the heart and popping it in his mouth.  

After two chews, he started to gag and looked like he was having a coronary.  His little family stared with frightened and dumbfounded looks.  He finally forced down the bite, caught his breath and said, “Mary, this tastes horrible.”  He grabbed the candy box it came in, turned it over and read the following on the back:  “Warning - For display purposes only - paraffin product.” If you don’t know what paraffin is, lets just say it isn’t meant to be eaten.

Not satisfied with this near homicide, she attempted to do him in later that year.  

My brother-in-law is now a supervisor of construction equipment mechanics.  When he was a mechanic, he used to spend a lot of time at construction sites.  My sister didn’t have a mudroom at their house,  so he would come in at night and take his boots off at the door.  Little chunks of mud would drop off on the carpet at the entranceway while my sister boiled.  She asked him several times not to do this, but men being men, he would forget.  Hey, we do forget things, you know!

He repeated his mistake one night.  My sister saw the mud and was furious.  She grabbed up a big chunk and started to hunt down the guilty culprit.  She cornered him and waved the chunk of mud in his face while saying: “Do you know what this is?”  He was puzzled at first, but then the light of understanding came across his face.  He grabbed the mud up, said “Thanks!” and tossed it into his mouth and began chewing it up.  My sister was speechless at this piece of insanity she just witnessed.  

He promptly started gagging and spitting it out.  He thought she had brought him a piece of fudge she had made after his long day working under a bulldozer.

It gets worse.  

He was working at a landfill that day.