What's The Least You'll Do It For?

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By Ken Begley

True creative genius is seldom appreciated and sometimes flashes of brilliance can be blinding to all around you. Why just the other day I had such an occurrence when I hollered for Cindy.
"Cindy, come here, come here, come here!"
"What now?"
"I just had a flash of brilliance and know how to get filthy rich."
"Really, well that's great. I'm going back to watch television."
"Don't you want to hear my idea?????"
"Not really, I rate your "get rich" ideas up there somewhere with the last reported sighting of aliens and Elvis."
"That's your problem. You never take me seriously."
"It's hard to take serious one of your "flashes of brilliance" when you're setting in a tub filled with "Mr. Bubble" and you have a yellow rubber ducky floating around."
Then she walked off after such a ridiculous statement. Rubber ducky my rear-end. It's my floating Bucky Beaver. Oh well. At least I know you guys will take me seriously. I'm going to start a reality game show called "What's The Least You'll Do It for?"
I know what you're thinking. All we need is another reality television show. It seemed to start with "Survivor" and then multiplied exponentially from there. Now you've got or had everything from "Wipeout", "I Survived a Japanese Game Show", "Amazing Race", "Big Brother", "The Apprentice", "Shark Tank", "The Bachelor", "Extreme Makeover", "The Biggest Loser" and the list goes on.
Shoot I don't even have cable or satellite. Who knows what's going on in those dark holes of the media world?
Here's my idea. You get three adventuresome (i.e. loonier than an outhouse rodent) individuals to bid against each other to do some crazy stunt. Now here's the catch. We start with a price and then the individuals keep bidding lower until we find out "what's the least someone will do it for".
You know what? After watching the evening news for 30 minutes the other night I believe we have a potential never ending list of "loonies" to work with. It also appears to me if we ever run out of loonies in the U.S. then there is an even larger group of them in the Middle East we could fall back on as a reserve. But I digress. We were talking about my reality show.
I came across this idea based on something that I witnessed on a field training exercise about 30 years ago with a small army engineer company. We were in the middle of the woods on some military post that made Beetle Bailey's "Camp Swampy" look like "The Big Apple". It was about 100 degrees and had so much humidity in the air it looked like we had all gone swimming in our clothes. A foul odor was emitted from our bodies that seemed to have the added pleasure of drawing deer ticks by the basket-load.
Anyway, we were digging great big holes with little bitty shovels called entrenching tools. We engineers dug so many holes that we carried our little shovels attached to our pistol belts. This day we were digging foxholes. This is a pretty dull task and when the First Sergeant wasn't looking, four of us took an impromptu break.
There was Ricky from the mountains of Sterns, Kentucky, Lamont from E-town, Cahoe from somewhere over in Bullitt County and myself resting in the shade of a tree while taking a suck of water from our canteens.
Ricky looked over and picked up a "penny frog" out of the grass and said, "You know I was in the infantry and they taught us to eat these things."

Lamont said, "How did you fry it?"
"Didn't. Just popped it into my mouth and ate it."
"All bull. You did not."
"Did to."
"Well do it now then."
"What will you give me?"
"What's the least amount I can give you to eat that frog raw?"
"Five bucks."
Cahoe and I watched on to see what would happen next.
Lamont thought about this and said, "You mean you'll pop that penny frog in your mouth alive and eat it right now for five bucks."
"All right" said Lamont and he pulled a $5 bill out of his wallet and held it up.
To the amazement of the rest of us old Ricky tossed the frog in his mouth and ate it up with relish before grabbing the $5 out of Lamont’s stunned hand. You know what? We learned right then and there that five dollars was five dollars to Ricky. Lamont, having a weak stomach promptly used our partially dug foxhole for something other than protection against enemy fire. Cahoe, being a budding entrepreneur, looked at Ricky, looked at the five dollars, and looked at Lamont. He looked around for a minute and saw a yellow jacket buzzing by. He snatched it out of the air with his lightning reflexes.
Cahoe walked over to Lamont, who was still holding his sides, leaning over the foxhole while talking to "Ralph" and said "Hey Lamont, what will you give me to eat this bumble bee?"
Lamont didn't want to play the game anymore. He then made some derogatory remark about "hillbillies" and cast aspersions on Rickie and Cahoe’s doubtful linage before moving back to his own foxhole to dig.
Cahoe was bitterly disappointed.